Merry Christmas :)

It’s  beautiful and 60 degrees outside. Finally a bit chilly!! It’s been an easy going day so far. My kiddos have had a great morning and we have just been relaxing. Dinner is at my parents tonight.
I am currently 7 days past the transfer at this point. K and N did not want me to take any home tests for fear of a negative outcome for today. I can’t help but feel this impending sense of FAIL though. I felt it with the chemical pregnancy I had last year. It’s that same feeling. So I can’t help but feel sad even though it’s Christmas.  Hubby said I don’t know for sure, but I just know how my body is and it’s not telling me I’m pregnant. I am expecting bad news on Monday which is when my blood work is. I almost wish my beta was tomorrow so I wouldn’t have to wait through the weekend as well. Of course there could be a miracle and I get a decent beta, but I’m just not counting on it. I just really hope that K and N want to move forward if things are a bust this cycle.
That’s the hard part of surrogacy I think. Going through the meds, the check ups, the transfer, having ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING go  smoothly, only for it to not work. Then what do you say to your intended parents? Sorry just doesn’t cut it. How do you explain to them that you feel devastated too without making them feel like they need to give you words of encouragement? Because that isn’t something they should have to worry about on top of feeling their own sense of defeat.
You were the one thing they hadn’t tried yet in hopes of starting a family. And now even your uterus didn’t work. How do you reassure them that this CAN work?  And reassure yourself? I’m just a whirlwind of emotions right now.
On the other hand, there’s these two little angels back in new York experiencing their very first Christmas because we tried again after a failed attempt.
I wasn’t too be able to just enjoy the holiday with my family, unfortunately part of doing a transfer so close to Christmas meant either a really happy or a not so happy Christmas holiday this year.
Not the best Christmas day post that’s for sure, but surrogacy isn’t always happy times with positive pregnancy news, cute ultrasound pictures and happy endings.
For one family though, Christmas is just a little extra special this year!


The twins! Just shy of 7 months old.
If that doesn’t bring a smile to your face, there is something wrong with you!!

About sarah

I am 31 years old , married, with a spunky 5 year old daughter, and a cuddly almost 4 year old son. I am a stay at home mom that spends her days chasing kids and two wiener dogs around the house, playing games, learning new things, and just spending time with my family , who are my life. I am also pursuing my dream of becoming a gestational surrogate, and this blog is all about my journey.
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