Monday mourning

My beta was this morning. Dr P called just now to deliver bad news. Negative. I hate that word. My stomach is in knots. I’m so depressed. I haven’t text my IPs yet only because the Dr said he still had yet to be able to reach them. He isn’t sure what they will want to do as their next step and even though I spoke with them Saturday night and we discussed the potential next step, I’m curious as to what they will ultimately decide. On Saturday they seemed pretty sure they would want to try with their remaining embryos, but I asked the dr to speak with them about possibly looking for a new egg donor. We all know that the ones remaining don’t have a great chance at sticking since they always transfer the best ones first and the next best consecutively after that. I’m kind of going they really consider a new donor.  They would get much better quality eggs that the clinic could choose from. Plus I just don’t have a good feeling about their remaining embryos obviously and that would be extra expenses to do that transfer just for it to come out potentially negative as well. Ugh. I hope I hear from them at some point today at least. As for me I get to stop all meds at this point. I shall down my sorrows in a glass of wine tonight with dinner for sure. I hate being in limbo.

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From rain to shine

When I got to NJ it was cloudy and cold. In fact when I stepped outsidei could see my breath! I welcomed this weather with open arms since it’s now post the 90 degree mark here at home. I even figured out how to get my hotel window open and slept with the window open the entire time I was there.
Transfer day was great. Check in was 9am and then we were released to go eat breakfast and I was given my orders to drink some serious water so I’d be sure to have a full bladder for the procedure. So a muffin and 4 1/2 glasses of water later, along with two hours of in between time, back at the clinic all of the sudden the water I had been drinking hot my bladder like a ton of bricks. Now I’ve done 3 transfers total in my life, and each time it surely was uncomfortable having the transfer done on a very full bladder. It’s IVF protocol. But this time, it was WAY worse. The doctor came in before I was taken back into the procedure room to sort of brief me and I told him how uncomfortable I was already so he said we would get started and make sure my bladder wasn’t too big. Up onto the take I went and the nurses checked with the ultrasound, and were shocked at their findings. My bladder took up the entire ultrasound screen. They couldn’t even see my uterus. By now I was shaking I was so uncomfortable. So one nurse rushed out and got the doctor who came in and said he was going to just catheterize me to give me some relief since I didn’t need my bladder THAT full. But hey, they wanted a FULL bladder so I delivered! I just went a tad overboard this time on my water consumption. I was shaking so much and was so uncomfortable trying to keep from peeing everywhere that I couldn’t even get my legs into the stirrups and doc had a slightly hard time getting the catheter going because I was so tense. But once it was in the right place slowly but surely I stopped shaking and got some much needed relief.  Once things were at a size reasonable enough that the transfer could take place, we got started. The transfer outdoor was super easy. Doc transferred two day five embryos again this time. The hardest part of the transfer in my opinion is always having to hold off on using the restroom until they tell you it’s ok. This time was certainly no different!
So back to the hotel we went so I could be a “couch potato” in the words of the nurses. I took advantage! Feel asleep for a few hours, then woke up and watched a few episodes of impractical jokers. Talk about a funny show!!! I’d love to meet those guys they are hilarious. K, N, and I then went to dinner and then back to the hotel for the night to rest. It poured rain. It was beautiful. I flew home today and that was uneventful for the most part other than having gotten the “privilege” to be seated next to this older woman with her granddaughter. Now her 4 yr old granddaughter was an angel list me just say. She even took a good nap through half the flight. This woman though I swear had to have had walking pneumonia or something! She coughed and coughed this disgusting sickly cough the entire flight. She caught on at one point how absolutely disgusted I was because she told me she just had allergies that she wasn’t contagious! Was this woman for real?? She was nasally, and Evey time she would talk the coughing would happen. The gurgling, from your gut, throat tickling type of cough that needs some serious medications or essential oils!! And I was the lucky one who got to sit next to her for 4 1/2 long hours. I couldn’t wait to get home and shower since I felt like I was surly now riddled with disease. Bleh!!
It feels so good to be home. My kids are happy, my dogs are happy, hubby is happy. The one thing that isn’t happy is my butt. Wow. These shots are going to be the death of my ass. The knots are so bad and so hard. They hurt so much. I will more than suffer through this if at least one of those two little embryos sticks, but for now I just feel like complaining about how much my. Ass. Hurts. It also feels good to complain. Ha!
So my instructions are too stay on the same meds with the same doses and our first beta will be Monday morning April 6th. I’ve prayed so hard for this I’m not sure how else to pray! We just want this prayer answered this time around. So far I need to get through the week. It’s going to be a nail biter!

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Freaking. Out.

Well I started my progesterone shots on Saturday evening. Last night after I had taken my second shot, I noticed a jelly like substance sitting in the bottom of the vial. So I looked at the other two unopened vials in the closet and sue enough they had this same jelly. So I sorry of panicked and emailed the clinic explaining my findings and sending a picture of the evidence with. I was told to call the pharmacy and they would tell me what needed to be done. So I called this morning and was told that it’s the actual progesterone that had come out of the oil solution and it can happen in the higher doses of these. The new  protocol was to heat it up in hot water until it completely dissolved before injections. So I relayed the info to my clinic. Luckily it wasn’t just me who was kind of uncomfortable with how to approach this situation because my nurse told me they called the pharmacy and are having new vials sent asap to me in the morning in a different oil solution, that I just needed to do the water bath for tonight’s injection. Relief!! Fast forward to this evening and I placed my vial in a HOT water bath and waited. And refilled and waited. And did this for about half an hour before I started to panic again. This progesterone jelly is not dissolving like it’s supposed to!! Back on the phone with the overnight on call pharmacist in NJ, she says to place vial in water in an oven safe container and hear it up to 275 degrees for about half an hour and that should do the trick. Also not to worry, that progesterone levels won’t plummet overnight. So here I sit, waiting and watching this vial in the oven so I can do my shot that is supposed to happen in early evening so I can move around for a while after. All this medication anxiety and I’m supposed to have the transfer in three days!!


Yep. Here she bakes.
Blood work in the morning just to confirm progesterone levels.
To be continued…..

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Cleared for take off…..

I had my last set of blood work and ultrasound this morning to make sure my lining is ready for next Thursdays potential womb house guests. The NP said it’s indeed ready and looking perfect! So I am done with the belt shots and onto progesterone with one minor change this cycle; no more suppositories! I am glad to be doing the rump shots because I just trust them more than those dreaded suppositories. So here’s to starting those tomorrow evening!!
I find out what time on Thursday our transfer will be at, and I fly out on Wednesday morning. I’m so so anxious and nervous. Not scared because I know what the transfer entails, but nervous for it to work. Not unlike any other surrogate out woman who has gone through this process of course, but having to do this for more than one attempt sure does mess with your emotions.  Or maybe it’s just the mix of  pharmaceuticals I’m taking that causes the emotions!
At any rate, I am very ready for this transfer.  Updates from New Jersey to come!

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Shots shots shots!

Pardon my enthusiasm for shots, no we aren’t talking about the kind you get drunk from! I’m talking syringes, vials, and 22 gauge needles. Bring on the alcohol (swabs)! 
I started my Lupron shots (in the ol belly) along with another medication last Thursday.  My first bodywork and ultrasound will be two days from now. I’m so ready for it all again!  N and K are as well. I think they are also ready for warmer weather. They’ve told me they got MORE snow this weekend and it hasn’t let up yet. Here is the valley of death, er, I mean sun, we were lucky enough to get one more good winter rain storm this weekend and now it’s warming up. If you listen closely you can hear me sobbing.
Aside from being in the medication protocol, not much else is going on.  I just thought I’d update this since I occasionally tend to forget to do so!!
More to come in the next few weeks!

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Transfer date, and a lesson in parenthood.

We have a new transfer date; March 26th!! Im already getting excited for it. But as for anything else, not much is going on. Just waiting to find out in the next couple of weeks when I’ll start my medications up again.
So on a slightly different note, I’ve recently come to the conclusion that young kids my daughters’ age, 4/5, must secretly be talking to each other about how to successfully stall at bedtime. I used to think I was alone in these well thought out tactics, until recently when a few of my fellow mom friends began explaining their kids’ bedtime troubles. I’ve realized these kids of ours have actually mastered the art of stalling unlike any excuse I ever remember getting away with. Allow me to explain.
Number 1: Bath/Jammie time struggles. I bathe my kids at night. Boy do they make this part of the evening drag when they refuse to take their clothes off for bath, even though you have spent most of the day convincing them not to get naked in public or just because they don’t want to wear clothes. Then once in the bath, they suddenly do not want to get out and the fight to let them stay in just a few minutes to play ensues. After all, you wrestled them like an alligator to get in the bath in the first place so what’s a few minutes now?
Number 2: A sudden extreme interest in food. After trying all throughout the dinner hour to get our kid to eat with no success, we eventually give up with a “no snack or anything until tomorrow” answer only for our child to decide after bath that they are starving and need SOMETHING to eat or they won’t survive the night, consequently pushing back bedtime a few minutes while we decide if they truly will parish without food all night.
Number 3: The missing blankie.  My kids have established a need for as many security blankets, stuffed animals, and “friends” as possible. I’ve learned that this too must be a part of the grand plan to stall. Once you finally get them to their bed, suddenly they realize which friend or blankie is still missing. I don’t know how they do it with ten items surrounding them already, but heaven forbid we go to sleep without that stuffed duck we haven’t been interested in since we were 6 months old! So more precious minutes tick off the clock as we, the parent, search with serious effort to find this friend knowing full well that our child will refuse entirely to even attempt to sleep if that stuffed friend is not found.
Number 4: Chatter bug time. If you are lucky enough to have found the missing stuffed friend, or security blanket, and managed to get them into bed by now, this is usually the time they suddenly want to strike up a conversation with you. What happened on that TV commercial they saw, what’s going on tomorrow, what day is tomorrow? What time is it? Why is the sky blue, and the list goes on and on, basically making it impossible for us to leave the room.
Lesson 5: The creak of an opening door. I dread this noise. Once I manage to escape the bedroom after being interrogated about everything my child can conjure up, and saying a few more last minute I Love Yous, it means now starts the “after bed rituals” my kid has developed quite well. It becomes a no holding back situation. She asks to blow her nose because even though she hates blowing her nose, she now can’t sleep if it’s not blown. And her lips are suddenly chapped and she is in desperate need of relief. Oh and her supply cup is out of water and she is dying of thirst.  Then she can’t cover herself up on her own and needs help covering up because she is so cold.
I have begun to realize just how much time all of this takes up at night and I’m not sure whether to get frustrated from being so tired after these shenanigans, or laugh at my daughters amazing ability to extend her bedtime way beyond the time I’ve set for her!
It’s crazy though how easy it is for us as parents to get angry and frustrated at these situations that our kids will indeed grow out of, when there are those who are desperate and all too willing to have these very issues with a child of their own. If only they could have a child.
I hope to be able to help K and N be successful in March so that one day they too can experience the amazing intelligence of their own kid(s).

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Beta: one little weird, so much anxiety.

Our beta came back negative. I had a feeling. We were slightly prepared, as I took a test on sat the 27th and there was no second line. It still doesn’t make the news any easier to swallow. The doctor told me to stop all meds and I need to have two cycles before we can begin meds again, so we are looking at a March transfer now. That seems like an eternity away. At least N and K are wanting to try again. Not the way I was hoping to start the new year that’s for sure. 
N and I are going to be in touch with my nurse to talk about how and when to start our next cycle and maybe seeing if there is something different we can do for this next attempt. Even though everyone says it’s all about how good the embryo is, I still feel like there could have been something MORE maybe I could have done to make things successful.
The good news is, aunt flo is here today so my body is doing what it should.
I am hopeful that 2015 will bring them their family, although it will be close to the end of the year if it works in March!
Short update, I know, but there’s just not much to talk about other than dwelling on what didn’t happen. So with that, happy new year, may this year make my couple parents!

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